Welcome Back.
I’m still here, And I did a thing. 5/23/2025
TRIGGER WARNING: I am candidly writing about mental health and mention self-harm and suicide at times. PLEASE reach out to family, friends, and a professional if you are struggling. It is absolutely ok to do that. If you are feeling suicidal or think you may harm yourself, call 911, or go to your local emergency room. There’s help out there.
As most of you well know, my self-esteem is somewhere in sub-basement level. When someone says I did something well, I say thanks. I have a hard time hanging onto the compliment. I think they’re just being nice. Or that they’re just supposed to say something about what I did. Without being able to own it and internalize it, my elevator doesn’t move. It might, maybe for a few minutes, but it goes back down. It’s an intrinsic part of me. And finally...
I did a thing about it. I’d been thinking about it for a long time, yet never quite had the nerve to go and do it. It’s a totally new and different thing from anything I’ve ever done.
I have gotten tired of the dark, dank smell and miserable trap of having no (or really low) self-esteem. I needed something to do, something outside my sphere of safety, out of the things I already know how to do. My long walks don’t involve a new skill, I’ve been putting one foot in front of the other since...well, whenever the average time a baby goes and does that. I’m not minimizing my efforts to walk every day, but that’s nothing new. Yoga, I’ve done that for most of my adult life in some form or another. Another safe zone. But to build up real self-esteem, I started listening to people around me.
The loved ones around me, since we got home in February, were (rightfully so) concerned about my well being since I’d have a lot of time on my hands, Stacey having gone to work, Nema gone to work...I needed purpose and things to focus on besides loneliness. Calculating every half hour until Stacey would get home is a depressing hobby. Like I said, I needed to dive into something out of my realm of experience and do a thing.
Karate.
Yup, karate. I tossed it around in my head for a long time, to be comfortable with being uncomfortable trying something new. It took awhile. But I got there. I decided to go. I surprised people with what I was going out to do. I went to my first class, nervous and wanting to turn around and go home. I went in. I was pushing against the sphere. Kept pushing, got to the room and stood in a corner. I was slightly more comfortable when the teacher greeted me. You see--
My teacher is also my brother in law. So I didn’t go into the situation completely blind, at the very least I knew I had a friend in the room. In that first class, I was welcomed and included from the start. I learned a few basics and practiced the moves, ways of walking and stances that keep you (hopefully) upright while sparring. Or, less preferably, in a fight. And right away--
I was having fun. I was being challenged to do a new (basic) thing, and I was getting it right! I was so happy to hear that I was looking good for someone brand new. And somehow that got internalized. Maybe because I’ve always loved playing sports. Maybe because this is a completely new sport. By the end of class, I knew I wanted to join. I knew I should attend more than one class before I really decided, but the second was even better than the first, and in the past few weeks I’ve enjoyed myself, practiced at home, working on the basics and the new skills too. And--
Karate is making my self-esteem elevator rise. Not only for a moment because of the comments and compliments about my progress, but really because I’ve started to know when I’ve done things right and wow, does that feel good. So it’s given me a whole new set of things to do and work on, challenging myself and maybe I can pop the sphere of safety. Maybe I already have. I’ve at the very least poked a hole in it.
--Megan
PS: Thank you to everyone who reads and comments and follows along. I really appreciate your support. My writing will always be free, any subscriptions are always wonderful. If you feel like sending me a gift towards my karate classes, the Venmo Karate Sport button will lead you there. Thanks again.
Resources:
The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 and you will be connected to a support person. You can also do an online chat at www.988lifeline.org.
Crisis Text Line: text 741741 and you will be connected to a trained crisis counselor.
The Trevor Project: For LGBTQ youth, who need a safe person to talk to, call 1-888-843-4564.
Research:
Please check out these sites (which do not sponsor me in any way). They have helped me tremendously. Please do not use Dr. Google.
www.dbsalliance.org: The Depression and Bipolar Alliance hosts free online and in-person support groups around the country. They also provide a wealth of information and offer support and articles on social media.
www.apa.org: The American Psychological Association
www.mayoclinic.org: The Mayo Clinic is a fantastic resource for current research and education for anyone wanting to learn about any topic. They are also incredible reputable.
www.clevelandclinic.org: Like the Mayo Clinic, the Cleveland Clinic also has a wealth of current and reputable information.